Table For One

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I read somewhere that 25 is the ‘Quarter Life Crisis’ age. I was surprised that this was a shared belief since I recall last year telling my older friends that I felt like I was going through some sorta ‘quarter life crisis or something’; after which we laughed it over of course. But once I saw my ‘doesn’t drink’, ‘never smokes’ guy friend order a cold Tusker halfway through a maturely smoked cigarette, I realized that this really is the most conflicted time of anyone’s life-working your ass off for your big break, trying to move out of home and what not… During what I think was and could still be my quarter life crisis, I was going through some serious motions of ‘Am I on the right path with my job?’ ‘Shouldn’t I be saving my money?’ ‘How long am I going to sit in this drastic relationship-no wait… fling’ ‘Will I regret that decision, or this decision?’ ‘Is this the sole purpose of my existence?’ ‘Will I ever be happy?’ ‘Am I making a mistake by doing this?’ … 2011 really was the most emotionally trying year of my life and I haven’t even hit quarter life yet!

Translate this to relationships and it only gets worse. You see at quarter life as girls we are pretty much done with the trashy relationships of our recent over active late teenage years and we are looking for something with more substance and a longer shelf life. This is the age when we realize that 26 years sounds ‘Old’ and ask whether we have made anything of ourselves as we rapidly approach 30.It’s when suddenly you realize that every year you say “This year has flown by so fast!”. We also start to wonder if we should start to worry about worrying about our biological clocks ticking. Well thank goodness I still think babies will break and die if I hold them and that they smell like regurgitated breast milk. No pun, please. I like babies. Clean, quiet, sleeping ones.

Sitting at a restaurant I overheard 4 girls at the table in front of me talk about how much their love lives had changed (in their mid twenties). One of them, who I thought to be the most intelligent, said that she had never been so lonely in her life. That she could remember a time when her phone was blowing up cuz of all the calls she got from male pursuants. But the moment she decided to have standards and cherry pick the men she chose to date, suddenly, there was no one. Another girl said that she was not going to leave her boyfriend despite the fact that she was bored out of her wits with the guy because she didn’t want to be lonely again. “At least he is a good guy! Remember how Kevo was an asshole. Don’t even think of leaving him,” another girl warned her.

A week later with my friends at a bar, I brought up the topic. The discussion was pretty much similar to that one of the girls’ at the restaurant; we all now know what we want in a man, nobody wants to settle, but given the insufficiency of the ‘one tree hill’ happy endings we yearn for, settling starts to look okay and even more realistic. It is now that we have a picture of what we can and cannot tolerate in a relationship and we recite the pillars of “he’s just not that into you” like it is scripture from the goddess of love herself. This is not by any means a negative thing but it just so happens that once you have standards in the men you pick, scarcity of love is sure to follow.

When you want that pair of heels so badly, you will save for them and you will buy them. We have been taught to GO FOR WHAT WE WANT. When you want love so badly, it’s never there.

In my learning, love was designed NOT to be sought.

Not that my learning was a dignified knowledgeable and intelligent one. Far from it; very far. In fact it was the exact opposite.

But I can tell you this, you are never going to find love if you obsess over it. Never. So don’t, or do, if you can’t help it…in fact if you can’t help it, do it till you can’t stand it. Go through the motion, date the loser again despite having learnt from your past 100 relationships that you shouldn’t, but then stop and seat at your table for one unembarrassed, go for the wedding without a date, buy a you know what and an extra pair of batteries incase it dies on you at 2.ooam, seriously explore the things you are passionate about, think about everything that beautiful sunrises and cozy downpours have to offer you, think about it all and don’t think about Love.

Because here’s the thing about being happy with that person, you have to be happy alone FIRST. In my opinion, that’s the order.

Yeah, I said it!

Peace & Love

Julia Love

  1. Goodness know I swear by Duracell. Never disappoints. Never. Quarter life crisis, exact. This thing called life. A day at a time. Here is to the table for one! Thanks for sharing. Love it. Boy don’t I resonate with this one. Number one fan. Keep doing what you do.

  2. Julia….all the things you ha e put down here have been on my mind for a while.I’ve been dining at this table for one for long and whining over it.Now I don’t whine I do all the things I love to do and often at that.Some lucky bastard will eventually pull a chair….
    I have a copy of He’s just not that into you so typical right?
    Blessings Julia!

  3. Adikinyi, HA HA HA!

    That’s right, some lucky bastard just might!

    I have one too. And i have seen the film so many times that i can critique it in my sleep.


  4. This is so fresh by the way.. I couldn’t have put it any better. Especially now that I can see 2011 wasn’t an emotional rollercoaster for me only!!! Aki dhenks tu sana..
    I feel normal again! And yes.. I’m pulling a chair for me and putting my enormous handbag on the other seat. Table for 1!!

  5. Julia.. am loving it!!!! so true.. i so feel you.. am at that point of my life where i feel every decision I make at this time is monumental..continue writing..

  6. This is soo true girlie!!! Esp the career part n the table for 1..I soo did that last year,,n it taught me how to enjoy my own company…I still do it. Now,even though I have a man,,once a month,Al Pasha at Panari…Me-time 🙂 u just gta keep writing!!! U echoe my sentiments!!!

  7. I love this read. Very well articulated & it speaks to me. Turning 25 this year, somewhere in the middle am chasing after jobs & love- but at least i am working, how do you chase after love when you haven’t even met it?

    We demand for a post no. 2 Cheers lady!

  8. Julia Love you are officially psychic! Love the piece! 🙂 As a child of 25 this is so true! The crisis over everything is overwhelming with your conscience naggingly putting you on the spotlight with questions like…who are you? what do you reeeeally want to do with this life? who are you going to keep in your life? what are your priorities and values as an individual leave alone with society’s conformity?…the list is endless! It gets TOUGH but one day at a time eventually we’ll get there. Whether you in a relationship or not, whether with friends or family, the important thing is that you are capable of being responsible over your life, setting your grounding and exploring it without borders! That way you learn more about yourself which will allow for you to accept both the beauty and the beast in you- the essence of truly loving oneself…from there you know what they say, smile at the world and the world will smile at you!

  9. Fae Laugh Out Loud. I have very many big handbags. and no you were not alone and i am glad i wasnt either.

    Soila, see on on the other side-30 years LOL.

    Kajuju, it takes alot of guts to seat alone.W We should pobaly take a tip from you and how to overcome the anxiety of first sitting?

    Anyiko, I am glad you found a job. i hope you are. You dont chase it. You let it chase you. i guess, think of yourself of a gazelle and love a lion. Younever see a gazelle laying itself to be devoured infront of a lion. *shrug. Maybe you really want to ask, what is love? Article 5 on the way. But you will know when it happens to you.

    Shiru, thank you, and thumbs up

    Cathy! “what are your priorities and values as an individual leave alone with society’s conformity?…” big question there. And i couldnt agree more, be responsible for you life. Quater life is a right of paassage and thats why they say life begins at 40 because you have stopped worrying, husstleing, being insecure,unsure, unhappy. Peace

  10. Just want to add a male voice to this:-)…. Quarter life crisis is REAL…I love loooove your articles Julia and they just get better as time goes by. “Its time everyone started taking care of their star player…that person in the mirror” – Katt Williams

    Keep writing love!!

  11. heeeeeh how do i love this? Babe you need to write a novel… I can assure you il buy the 1st copy. Keep inspiring keep writing keep smiling.. Love it.

  12. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this article… No doubt you have nailed every single fact you’ve laid out … Can’t wait for the next one… And yes, we have to be happy ALONE first, before we can be happy with someone else…

  13. Julia julia julia! Wat can I say!!! Oh my! Oh my!!! U knw wats going on in me right nw n this I need time to marinate on! This is sooo true I just can’t even get the right words to say It!

  14. As a dude, I will say this article applies to us too. The “fortunate” thing is we have no time clock. However, we do end up with “dents”. A 30 year old dude regardless how passive a life he’s had has gone through something. If he’s a virgin, ladies, pleeeeease don’t think God has answered your prayers. You are adopting an erratic steam kettle. Well, unless your prayers were for a 30 year old son.
    On table for one in a literal sense, I think it’s society yet again that has placed this stigma that if someone, particularly ladies are solo it equals pathetic. I couldn’t agree with you more Julia, focus on being happy alone first and a happy lad a.k.a. “lucky bastard” will be in the other seat at the table.

  15. The minute you can sit down and have a meal, drink, smoke etc on your are on the right path..I have decided, its me I am living for and if you (society) doesn’t like it, I am sorry. I am not living for you..but my God..I do not do do chronos..I do kairos.. 😉
    Fantastic read Julia..

  16. Awesome piece julia.thot am the only one goin thru the phase.2011,hit 24!i felt so OLD!lol bt then the entire year even b4 my sept bday,i knew i had had it wth one point i cudnt take any little rshp crap,the games nd lies?at some point i realized my rtshps werent lastin over 3months!nd the great thng,it doesnt even hurt to say ‘dude,i cnt do ths!’ wth graduation,tarmackin,nd lyfe…me had to come 1st.nw wth a new job,goin back 2skul nd planin to move out tho alone still…i cnt wait for sept!yap.25 at last bt am proud!hope i wont have to be on table for one for so long,dude plz pull the stupid chair!hehe.lvin u jullz

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