10 reasons why Kenyan bars seriously suck

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Some years back, people couldn’t wait for the weekend to go out and have a good time with their friends at the club. That is hardly the case nowadays with more and more people choosing to stay at home and indulge. So what happened to the Kenyan club scene?

Here are ten reasons why Kenyan nightlife is not as vibrant as it used to be.

1. The Music

The music is trash. A lot of DJs play the same songs. I used to think it was because revellers demanded a certain type of sound or particular songs but I’ve realised that might not be the case. Some DJs just lack originality.  So why are some of our DJs so lazy? People go out to listen to fire mixes, dance and enjoy themselves but when the DJ is streaming a YouTube mix or playing the same song three times during their set, then the audience is getting a raw deal.

2. Overpriced drinks

A beer that would normally go for about Ksh. 200-250 is hiked to about Ksh. 350 or higher. A bottle of your favourite liquor might have over Ksh. 1,000 added to it’s regular price. The cocktails are costly and watered down. I would rather drink at home with friends and save a couple of thousands.

3. Harassment by police

The areas around clubs are always swarmed with cops. You’d be mistaken to think the heavy police presence is to keep revellers safe. But the police aren’t there to protect you, they are there to exploit you. They will arrest you and shake you down for a bribe while you club hop and if you can’t pay up, it’s a night in the can for you.

4. Security

If you don’t get robbed inside the club, you’ll get robbed outside the club. Having to constantly worry about your belongings is a major buzzkill when you’re trying to have a good time. If it’s not worrying about your belongings, it’s being extra vigilant that someone doesn’t spike your drink or corner you and sexually harass you.

5. Zero crowd control

I get it, clubs aren’t necessarily made to be the roomiest of places but the overcrowding in clubs is a little too much. You hardly have breathing room and it’s uncomfortable to have strangers’ bodies that close to yours. The bouncers and management should restrict entry when the clubs are full and not be too greedy to make profit at the revellers expense.

6. The crowds are too young

What happened to checking IDs at the door? Or those age specific clubs that restricted entry if you weren’t past a certain age? Or maybe they still exist but it’s just lip service. Anyway, it’s difficult to socialize and have a good time when you’re not sure if the people in the club with you are in your age bracket, or worse, if they’re of legal age.

7. People who can’t handle their liquor

They are quite the party poopers. They get very drunk and start fights or bother the rest of the club with their belligerence.

8. Tiny, stinky toilets

First of all, why do all clubs have tiny toilets? It baffles me how a club can have just two or three stalls in each loo and expect it to be adequate for the number of customers they’ll be having. Because when you have 15-20 people using two stalls in an hour, the toilets get dirty pretty fast. Sometimes there isn’t any flowing water which makes the situation worse.

9. Poor service

It can take you all of 20 years to get a server to your table and another century before you get your drinks or food. This happens even when the club is empty. Sometimes the servers have the sternest of expressions, you get scared to engage with them. They also try to rip you off with the bill by adding items that you didn’t order.

10. Ambiance sucks

Some club interiors are just ugly. Their idea of interior design is having a couple of stools at the bar, and horrible rectangular red or black couches in a corner. You add overcrowding, bad music, poor service and overpriced drinks to the mix and you have a sham entertainment experience.

This articles was inspired by a Twitter thread by Pinchez. 

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