It is safe to say that everyone knows at least one single mother. The thing about single motherhood is that it rarely on purpose. As such, it is sad that single mothers still receive some form of stigma and stereotyping from the society. I was recently shocked when a friend informed me that some schools do not admit children of single mothers. Another friend of mine was equally shocked when she was denied tenancy in a certain residential area because she is a single mother. Yes, it happens. Shocker, right?
What most people fail to understand, however, is that women become single mothers for different reasons. These include teenage pregnancies and the infamous kurukwa ball, rape and even death of their partners, making them widows.
Dating a woman with child(ren) can be overly exciting, fulfilling and challenging at the same time. It is especially challenging for men who either do not have children or have never interacted with them before.
But before we dive into details, allow me to put it out there that women with child(ren) need grown men in their lives. I would describe a grown man as one who possesses both emotional maturity and intelligence. Immaturity, ego, and pride just won’t cut it.
Dating in the traditional sense is simple. In the traditional set-up, man and woman meet and they develop an emotional attachment and thereafter a relationship. They then make a decision on whether to settle down and to start a family.
Nowadays, thanks to freedom of choice, everyone has their preferences. Both men and women can make a decision to date single mothers.
In successful stories, a good number of people have found women with child(ren) come to the relationship with qualities that are real assets to sustaining a healthy relationship. These qualities can be attributed to motherhood, which on its own is an experience that brings with it special skills like prioritizing and balancing life. This, however, with children involved, adds to sensitivity and fragility of the relationship.
A single mother will not only look at their partners good qualities, but also how the partner interacts with her child(ren). It is therefore vital to understand how to handle dating a single mother and everything that comes with it.
Out of experience and lessons from other single mothers’ dating lives, I have listed 5 important tips below to making it work while dating a single mom.
1. Know her priorities
Dear men, please do not try to compete with her children for attention, you simply can’t win. I am guessing that in other relationships you may have gauged your woman’s feelings for you by how much time and energy she put into your relationship. A single mother’s expression of love may not necessarily be like that. She may not have the time to see you as often as you would both like. If you feel left out, just communicate your feelings and come up with a solution that will favor the both of you.
2. Understand that dating a single mother is different from dating a woman without children
A mother’s time is limited and divided between all aspects of her life that is her family, her partner, her job, etc. However you may look at it, a single mother’s ability to handle all these on her own only makes her more attractive, no? You can see how she handles her kids, and however you look at it, you can be assured that your child(ren) will be safe with her.
3. Let her handle her ex/baby-daddy
This is a sensitive one, gents. I am cognizant of how complicated it can get especially if the ex is a nuisance and is regularly butting in her business. If there is tension or constant run-ins with her kids’ other parent, let her handle it. You can support her and encourage her, but do not contact her ex or get involved in court cases and or hearings.
As this is a sensitive area, communicate your feelings. If she genuinely loves you and you love her, the baby daddy should not be a problem. Respect and trust her enough to let her handle it unless she asks you to do something.
4. Appreciate her and her efforts
Show her that you understand and appreciate the added effort she requires to spend time with you. If you can, offer to support her financially once in a while. Help out with her daily routine, like picking up dinner, help with activities around the house, or even take her car for a wash. You will get to know what she likes, what she needs and go ahead to offer your assistance. It does not have to cost a lot of money, just be there for her.
5. Follow her lead on trying to know the child(ren)
Do not overdo it by going over and beyond to try and impress her by getting close to the kids. The relationship should never be forced, let it be as natural as possible. Endeavor to move at a pace that allows you to learn more about yourself, your partner, and the family dynamics will help both of you decide if this is a good fit. If it is indeed a good fit, going slow and steady will allow you both to develop boundaries and structure the relationship in a healthy way. Children can sense insincerity, so make sure you are both sure about wanting the relationship to work.
In the end, you are the only one who can know if dating a single mother is good for you or not. It is a step that will throw you into parenting even when you are not one yourself.
Do not believe in the stepmother stereotyping like comments about her looking for a stepparent figure for her child(ren). This is rarely the case. And if it is, I am sure that you will identify the cracks before it is too late.
Simply pay attention to the woman you are getting to know and the relationship you are building. And as I always say, men who take care of children that are not biologically theirs have a special place in Heaven.