Dear Nairobi City,
I have a few things to tell you today:
1. First off, you are seriously making me a very panicky person
All this chaos that you boast of has been elevating my blood pressure and increasing my paranoia. Getting into town is becoming so stressful. I know back when I was younger, it was thrilling to survive an evening in the CBD, amidst the tear gas, the suspicious looking fellows lurking at your windows, the rude beggars and scores of irritable people and not forgetting the manic driving that goes on. I used to enjoy the adrenaline, but now that I am a bit older ( and wiser, I dare say), these things do not excite me one single bit. If anything, I think they are driving me closer to my death. Who knows, someone might just shove past me by a road, push me at exactly the same moment a crazy driver is making a wrong turn!! And then what? I just die!! Seriously Nairobi, you might be exciting and big and beautiful, but one of these days I will pack my bags and never come back!!! And stop grinning as if you know that will never happen, just you wait and see.
2: Tell your matatu drivers that no one really wants to listen to their annoyingly loud music
I speak on behalf of me and everyone else that shares this sentiment. And i do believe we are quite a number. No, we do not want to hear loud ratchet music in the morning, more so in the evening!! You can’t even really hear anything beyond the loud, irritating bass speakers. And when you do hear, its not anything specially appealing. Just people talking about lady parts and money and well nothing else really. Can you imagine how much money that sound system cost? That money could improve your life in so many different ways. Anyway tell matatu people to try a little experiment one day: to turn off their music and see if people will get into their vehicles. I can bet you 100% that we will still board those matatus even when they are silent, in fact, we will be happier passengers!
3: Your witchdoctors/traditional doctors/astrologers
You do know that you as a city are progressing into the future, right? It’s all about becoming a better version of yourself. I am concerned though, that you are leaving this category of people behind as you advance. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a supporter of their trade in any way. However, they still are a part of this city. My concern however, is that this their trade is not advancing. They seem to be stuck in a bubble labelled the past, and a sort of spell (pun intended) cast on them to cause them to remain there forever. The thing is, all this Daktaris from Lamu and Tanzania and other far off mystical places all treat the same 4 things: mapenzi, kupata kilichopotea, kupanda cheo kazini, kurudisha mume. They have been doing so since I found them here and even before. The only thing that has changed is that one Dr. Khalif the astrologer, has a website (I thought this was hilarious, and it actually works).
Now Dear Nairobi, do you see the problem? This particular market is flooded and there is no product development going on whatsoever. I would suggest that you organize a short seminar/course. Invite other renowned mystics (I dare say, get one from the Orient or Nigeria) to give a talk on new marketing strategies. They could definitely explore newer areas that affect the problems of now. You know, things like ‘kupata first class’, ‘kupata attachment’, ‘kurudisha smart-phone iliyopotea’, ‘kujitoa kwenye friend-zone’ etc. You see what I’m getting at here? But the best option would be to introduce them to Jesus instead.
So anyway, my few grievances are aired now. I do feel a bit better. But on the real, please consider becoming a bit more chill. I wouldn’t want to ruin this relationship we have…yes?