Wanja Kavengi is an exhausted mother (of one) lying on the couch in her faded, food-stained XL Harpic t-shirt and pyjama pants that are ripped in the middle, drinking wine and yelling at the TV. She enjoys taking things like naps and long romantic walks to the fridge. Once in a while, mostly on special occasions like job interviews and dates, she brushes both her hair and teeth. Otherwise, on ordinary days, she usually holds a highly contested election to determine what to brush that day.

We had a few questions for her and this is what she had to say:

1. What was your first phone?

A very big, old and ugly Siemens phone given to me by an aunt, whose navy blue coating was peeling off. It was really, really heavy, had big buttons (with their rubber coatings peeling off too). It had a problem with the mouthpiece, so I had to shout while talking to someone on the other end of the line for them to hear me. It was a lethal weapon. It was the ultimate self-defense weapon for people who felt the need to protect themselves. It was the perfect heavy, blunt object with which to use on a mugger to break their skull. It could be used as a hockey stick. In fact, it was stronger and deadlier than a hockey stick. It had a very small screen, smaller than a bamba 50, and, of course, worst of all, I couldn’t access porn with it.

2. Between Facebook and Twitter, which one do you prefer? Why?

I like them both. I like Facebook because it comes in handy when I want to stalk and judge people. It is also great for when I want to remind myself why I don’t exactly like people, by going to the comments section of political posts. Or religious posts. Or posts about sexuality. And Twitter, I like Twitter because I don’t have to see engagement photo shoots there every 3 minutes. Plus, tweeps have an amazing sense of humour.

3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I can’t see that far ahead, but I hope it will be a mirror. Unless new technology comes up and replaces the mirror.

4. Any question for us? We’ll publish our answer as well

What is it that people have against guarana and Nairobi chicks?

I don’t know. They should learn how to mind their own business and stop policing other people.

5. What would you do if you were president for a day?

I’d spend the entire day panicking and yelling at my bodyguards, “FOR FUCK’S SAKE! SMILE FOR ONCE, YOU STONE-FACED MONSTERS! YOU’RE MAKING ME NERVOUS!”

6. What’s your favourite book and movie?

I will never have a favourite book until I have read every book, and I will never have a favourite movie until I have watched every movie.

7. Who/What inspired you to do what you do now?

I don’t even know what I’m doing (with my life), but whatever it is I’m doing, it’s certainly inspired by my unhealthy addiction to horrible life choices.

8. If you were to change jobs, what profession would you get into? Why?

Any job that won’t require me to wake up.

9. If you had a superpower, what would it be?

Immortality without aging.

10. If you were deserted on an abandoned island what 5 things would you want to have?

  • Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow
  • A dog
  • A boat
  • A first aid kit
  • A cargo ship carrying a lifetime supply of food, water and tissues

11. If you were a car, what car would you like to be? Why?

A really huge trailer, so that I could be running over my enemies whenever I’m pissed off.

12. If you could be in any other band in the world, which one would you like to be in? Why?

I don’t know…Blue Band? Because Wedding Band sounds like something I totally wouldn’t want to be in.

13. How has your journey as a writer been so far? What are your future plans?

Even though people call me a writer, I still haven’t ever considered myself as one. I think of myself as just a literate person who can spell ‘vacuum’ correctly. And I hardly ever have future plans because I lack ambition. I plan to make wiser decisions in future, though. Like, for instance, instead of buying cheap wine, I will buy cheaper wine so that I can save money for yet another bottle of even cheaper wine.

14. Share something interesting about yourself with our readers.

I have a fear for ducks. I was attacked by a duck in broad daylight once. For no reason. I was just passing by, and the duck was fighting with a cockerel by the roadside. Maybe it’s the way I looked at it…I don’t know. It just suddenly flapped it’s wings and started charging towards me. I had planned to kick it with my leg, but since I was/am against animal/bird cruelty, I just decided that the best thing to do at that moment was to run for my life. And it actually ran after me, quacking and squawking and promising to finish me. I hate ducks.